Restoring Trust in a Relationship After Lying to Your Partner
Lying is a slippery life path. Most of us are literally forced to tell lies in certain life moments, though it can hardly be advisable and it might hurt much more than it can heal. It always takes away that really subtle cord of trust between people as well as it would usually take a lot more time to rebuild a connection between two loving partners when one of them feels broken by the other one’s lies. Lies are known to be damaging any types of relationships, whether it is just a friendship or a much deeper bond, like a romance, and when certain trust issues in a relationship appear on the horizon of a couple in love, some things might seem like they will never get back on track. However, with a totally open mind and heart, you can start working towards regaining the trust of your beloved person and try to move past the fact you could lose him/her because of lies.
No trust in a relationship means that it won’t be able to thrive and grow in a healthy way. Lying, whether it is about small insignificant things or about some serious issues like finances or loyalty, may be one of the shortest ways to stripping that absolutely vital trust from a romantic relationship. And once trust is lost, getting it back might become a nearly impossible mountain to climb, at the same time repairing the ties which were once cut CAN be possible with a right attitude and sincerity.
Why is trust important in a relationship?
We won’t be going too far, just imagine some real-life situations: One sunny morning your sweetheart leaves for work and you don’t have peace of mind; you’ve spotted your beloved partner in the company of another man/woman and you just fail to accept it was just a friend from high school; you wish to share an intimate secret with your loved one and something makes you doubt if he/she will keep it.
So what is trust in a relationship? It’s the key element without which your entire life can become a real nightmare. No relationships can thrive without trust. What’s more, a romantic relationship with no trust becomes truly chaotic and dysfunctional.
In other words, trust is the faith you need to have in the loved person that he/she will always remain faithful and loving to you. To trust somebody means that you can always count on the person around and are totally comfortable dedicating your life to that someone as it makes you feel really easy with the person beside.
Trust makes the building block for every committed relationship without which the whole foundation will remain shaky and ready to collapse at any moment. If you have trust within your partnership, you will survive even the hardest of times. In addition, without this basic thing, you will not be able to sustain your relationship for a long time. In a nutshell, serious lack of trust between to loving souls is one of the major reasons for many relationships to fall apart. And here is why trust is always the driving factor in romantic relations:
1. Your love can’t survive without trust
As mentioned above, trust is the base of love. Just like a little child trusts his mother and, thus, loves her, your significant other should know you are trustworthy and will not ditch him/her in tough moments. This feeling is important for any relationship in order to keep sprouting and flourishing.
2. Trust can help overcome problems
It is one of the most important binding factors for all drawbacks and differences in a relationship. Deep down you are sure that you will overcome all of the obstacles together with your partner.
3. Trust heals
When you’re feeling hurt in your partnership, you can get over it thanks to the deep trust you have in the person by your side.
4. It makes it easier to control emotions
The degree to which you trust your partner may determine how much of yourself you are willing to give to him or her. If you were hurt by your lover, it is only trust that will tell you there must be at least one reason behind your partner’s annoying behavior.
5. It will teach you about personal time and space
Believe it, you won’t be feeling insecure about granting your partner his/her personal space. Moreover, trust helps two people in love always stay close in spite of all the obstacles.
6. It reassures
If you got trust, you are sure your partner will love you despite the arguments and fights you may have. That is the key to a durable and healthy relationship.
7. You don’t need justifications
When you absolutely trust your partner and are trusted yourself, you will not need to explain or justify anything. You are confident that your significant other will understand and trust your words and decisions.
So, it looks like we’re done with the definition of trust in a relationship and are ready to review some ways of how to rebuild trust in a relationship.
How to restore trust in a relationship after lying?
Rebuilding trust in a relationship will definitely be hard to manage after having lied to your loved one, as the trust was taken away so suddenly. If you have lied to the nearest person, there are several steps that will help you fix everything. To make a long story short, a liar should repent in order to receive acceptance and the person who was lied to must take time to heal and give acceptance back. Here are more detailed steps you need to take in order to regain your lover’s trust.
1. Make amends
The very first step of yours that needs to be taken after being caught in a white lie is to say you are truly sorry. Instead of justifying your actions, show that you fully accept the responsibility for your deeds and that you are ready to do your best to earn back your lover’s trust. Be willing to wait as long as it is needed for your significant other to trust you again.
2. Don’t expect his/her forgiveness right away
Instead, focus on working on earning it through the sincere actions from the point on. The situation will not be resolved without any effort from your side, so make absolutely sure you are prepared to gain your partner’s trust through the hard work.
3. Honesty is your best policy
This is a crucial point, especially when figuring out how to restore trust after cheating. Make sure you don’t make the same awful mistake twice or try to cover your previous lies with the new ones in desperate hopes of saving your face. You know, two wrongs don’t make a right.
4. Be prepared to walk in a villain’s shoes for a while
Most likely, the person you’ve lied to won’t be giving you his/her trust so easily after you messed up, nor will he/she be affectionate towards you for some time. You’ve made a mistake, thus you must deal with its consequences, so be prepared to be reviewed as a villain until you make everything right.
5. Learn the lesson
Another step in the guide on how to regain trust in a relationship tells you need to learn the lesson and make sure the same mistake won’t be made again. It won’t be feeling too good to be given that cold shower, still if you know you were wrong, you certainly know you deserve that reaction.
6. Be reliable
When you are seen a reliable person, you automatically become a person of your word. Always stay available, especially when your partner will need your help to bring back the trust that was lost. Consider this one a part of the bargain before you start making amends.
7. Remain an open book
Since you have put doubts into your lover’s mind with the lies you told, it will definitely make a great idea to become more open than usual about your own and your whereabouts. Encourage an open communication and always keep the phone on, since your lie might cause other suspicions to arise in your lover’s mind.
8. Respect your partner’s needs
If he/she asks for some time on his/her own, respect this decision. Don’t be abandoning the ship or begging your partner to forgive you, yet rather let your loved one know you are always there for him/her.
9. Show sincere remorse
Remind your beloved person that you are doing everything in your power to restore the trust and that you will never let him/her down again. You surely want to come across as a person who has realized everything and feel horrible about it.
10. Stick to your promises
When you promise to change, your significant other will not take those promises lightly. Anything you promise must be set in stone, so avoid making a promise you are not 100% confident you can keep.
11. Make your actions speak louder than promises
Words can quicken the process of forgiveness and healing, still your deeds must prove the other person you are trying real hard. Put every single promise into action and don’t stop until you are finally forgiven.
12. You are human and you make mistakes
All living beings are created to make mistakes and learn from those. If you want to become a better person, make the necessary changes. Start living like the person you wish to be starting from today. Cowards tend to tell lies, so learn to be the kind of person who is never afraid to speak the truth.
13. Let your partner speak
Let your partner express his/her opinion how it felt when you lied and how he/she feels throughout the process of learning to trust you again. Be attentive to whatever is needed from you and some other details even if you find those completely insignificant. Helping your other half to heal and forgive you will be much easier when your partner knows he/she is heard.
14. If you are forgiven, don’t take it for granted
Always be sure you’ve taken something from your mistakes. Do not allow your past missteps to catch up with your relationship again and potentially cause a breakup. Thank your partner for forgiving you and try to never hurt him/her again. Tell the person you love and care about how much it means to you that you were given a new start.
How to make the first step
Before you begin rebuilding the relationship after lying to your significant other, you need to confess your lies. To say something our loved ones don’t want to hear and admit mistakes after doing something wrong are probably the hardest things we have to cope with in life. But every time we deal with them, we’re rewarded with precious peace of mind and freedom from awful secrets we had to keep for so long. If you’re afraid to make this step and free your mind, these tips might help.
Start the difficult conversation with something truly sincere
For instance, you can say, “I asked you to hear me out because I’d like to tell you something, and I feel bad for having kept this in secret,” or “Honey, there’s something I believe you need to know.” Honesty and sincerity make such conversations much smoother, especially when it comes to men. So if you want to regain trust after lying to your boyfriend, make sure you hide nothing from him. Even the tiniest details count.
If you need some motivation, just remember why you decided to confess. While other people feel comfortable lying to their partners all the time, you just can’t live like that because this relationship and mutual trust are crucial for you. Sure, after you begin the dialog with an intriguing phrase, your partner will start to lose temper, so you’d better proceed to the next step.
Tell the truth
“I lied to you about my previous job;” “I was afraid to tell you that I lost all our savings to some gambler;” “I never told you that I’m still in touch with my ex.” No need to make things smoother with sweet words; say it as it is. Right after you confess, tell what you feel about your insincerity: “I’m feeling so awful. I should’ve told you that long ago.”
If possible, try to cheer up your companion by saying that they might’ve known that you’ve been keeping something from them. “I knew you had some doubts,” or “I know you were suspecting that something was wrong.”
Say what made you hide this information from your loved one
It’s important that you stay sincere no matter whether the mistake was a result of your character traits or just a drunk accident. Say that you’re sorry again. Remember that if your partner’s reaction to your confession is very negative, it’s your fault, and you took this risk consciously. Say that you’ve been suffering all this time and promise that you’ll never do anything like that again.
Things you should keep in mind
- If the accident happened long ago, here’s what you need to do. Begin the conversation but don’t confess anything yet. If you see that the partner’s reaction is too negative, tell the truth right away. In case they reacted calmer than you expected, take your time and confess gradually.
- Never accuse other people of your lies. Fully admit that you did the wrong thing and face the consequences of your lies.
- Stay calm. Don’t get mad like your partner. Try not to escalate the situation. This will benefit both you and your significant other.
- Confess lies as soon as possible. The level of trust in your relationship will be damaged anyway, but it’s up to you to decide how badly.
- If you lied long ago and became much closer to each other over this period of time, then you have no reasons to be afraid. You have all the chances to avoid resentment if the thing you lied about wasn’t too serious. For instance, “I lied to you. I’m not as rich as I told;” “I said I was a virgin, but it’s not true.” Everyone knows how hard it is to tell the truth, so you have all the chances to be forgiven.
- Don’t confess big lies in a few stages. For example, if you want to confess to your partner that you cheated on them, don’t start the conversation with phrases, like, “I kissed her/him,” adding more and more details. The truth, however painful, is always better.
How to prepare your partner for this information
If you’re no longer able to control your feeling of guilt after you betrayed your loved one’s trust, and it begins to burst out, it’s just a matter of time until the truth will be unveiled. It’s better that your spouse learns it from you personally. But what if both of you are completely unprepared for the difficult conversation emotionally and mentally?
When you’re nervous about something, whether it’s just some little thing, like a small credit card debt concern, or a life-changing relationship issue, if you want to have at least a tiny chance to save a relationship after lying, you should provide your significant other with an alert that you have something to tell about. And the most important thing here is how you say it. Approach your partner by announcing what you want to discuss, and make sure that they clearly see that you’re worried about the topic of discussion: “Honey can we discuss a problem with our savings,” versus “Honey, I accidentally lost all our savings in Vegas last week. Can we talk about that?”
Because you’re not having a fierce fight at the moment and are not in the middle of a tough argument about other stuff that concerns you (like clothes scattered around the house or empty dishes in the fridge), you can present your confession in a kind and reassuring way rather than in an angry, attacking tone. Don’t spit out the truth the same moment you begin talking. Maybe it’s not the best place and time for a conversation like that, so you should agree on when and where to talk about your problem. But in case your significant other wants to deal with it as soon as possible, make sure that they’re emotionally ready to hear the truth, as well as you’re ready to tell it. In plain English, if tomorrow is a busy day, and your partner has to wake up at 4 am, then you shouldn’t start sorting things out at 10 pm today. Just wait until your spouse frees up her schedule a bit.
A few tips that might come in handy
- In case you don’t have the opportunity to talk face-to-face, write down everything you want to say. Then write an email (or letter if you’re old-fashioned) that would contain at least a page of details about your lies, the reasons that made you lie to your partner, and your sincere apologies. Later, next time you meet in person, have a chat and bravely confess guilt. Say that you’re terribly sorry for what you did. You had your own reasons, but all of them sound like cheap excuses, so you don’t want to mention them. At this moment, hand your partner a letter you wrote and say that if they want to know the reasons, they should read it. Apologize once again and hope for the better.
- If the truth you want to share is too devastating, and your significant other is very vulnerable, pick some neutral spot for the conversation. Why not meet in some café in downtown or a bookstore, or even in a restaurant? Your partner probably won’t make a scene when there are so many people around, and you’ll have a chance to say everything you wanted to say without the risk of being interrupted.
- Wait for a moment when you feel comfortable to begin the conversation. Have a seat and take a deep breath. And try to avoid funny phrases, like, “I bet you have no idea why I took you here,” when standing in line for a cup of coffee. This won’t prepare your companion for hearing the harsh truth but will make things worse instead.
- Choosing the right moment and making sure the person is comfortable and ready to hear your words, you greatly improve your chances to rebuild trust after lying. When having a conversation, keep in mind that no matter how bad you feel at the moment, your partner feels much worse, so don’t take everything they say to you seriously.
All in all, in order to find out how to restore trust in a marriage or in any other relationship, you have to make some serious lifestyle changes. Keep your relationship clear and open as it is a really valuable process. If you need help, just ask for it. And if you need a change, make it yourself. Rebuilding trust is a huge deal, so be treating it that way. There might be a lot of facets and turns in this truly delicate and daunting process. When it is not sorted out properly, it can torch your relations until what is left are ashes and regrets. Make every effort to look at the trust regaining as a learning process that may hopefully bring even greater intimacy and love and go ahead on. And if not, well, then make other sort of plans.