Most men and women, starting a new relationship, almost always have a second choice. Don’t blush and pretend that it’s certainly not about you. According to the studies, at least 87% of men and women aged 18 to 45 and at least 62% of men and women aged 45 to 60 do this way. In addition, half of men and women, starting a new love affair, continue to maintain at least several parallel relationships. Let’s set aside the ethical aspects of this phenomenon and focus on the fact that every person who has started dating a new partner can find themselves in a second choice relationship.
What does it mean to be someone's second choice?
Have you ever had a feeling of loneliness and uselessness, when your partner cancels your meeting because of some more important issues? People say, “Life is a choice.” It sounds comforting, and you believe that you do not need to choose the very first option. However, you hardly want to find out that you have become a second choice for someone. You are a person number two, and a person chooses your company only if they don’t have other options.
• You are always available, but you are not always desired.
• You can be left if there is a better alternative, even if it is temporary and short-term one.
• You continue to fight for a place in someone else's life.
• You continue to consider the person to be significant, even if you are tired of being second choice.
You can't blame this person. You just can't. However, you blame yourself because you believe that you lack something to become the only option, no matter how hard you try. You are always available, and you think that this is the only way to get their attention and to be needed. Your attention is constantly taken for granted because you do not know how to say “no.” In addition, you constantly react to everything with your standard phrase, “Everything is okay. I understand you." Sometimes, you want to be harsh and stop being second choice in a relationship, but you cannot. It resembles a vicious circle.
7 signs you are the second choice.
Analyzing the potential partners, people tend to choose the most suitable option, keeping low-priority options in reserve. You can argue, but you may also have had at least one reserve candidate.
In general, people like to have a second choice for their own safety because few people want to face loneliness. However, oddly enough, no one wants to find themselves in this position. Have you ever wondered if you are the second choice for your partner?
1. You don’t meet on weekends.
When people love each other, they try to spend all the time together, especially at the very beginning of the relationships. And if you meet only on weekdays and spend the weekend separately, then it’s high time to look at the other signs of being the second choice.
2. You don’t attend public places together.
You almost never visit restaurants or any other public places where you can be seen together. Besides, when you offer your man to introduce him to your family, he suddenly comes up with urgent issues and becomes extremely busy. If your partner is always unavailable for your plans, no matter whether it is a date or just hanging out together, this is one of the clear signs you are his second choice, and the partner is not very interested in your relationship.
3. You don’t meet with their friends.
It’s a bad sign if you have already been dating for a couple of months, but your girlfriend isn’t going to introduce you to her friends and family, especially if she feels very uncomfortable when you talk about that.
When you are a temporary person in a girl’s life, there is no need to ask you to join a family dinner because your place might be already occupied by the main partner. In addition, most women share everything with their friends, so if you are the second choice, then your partner’s friends are aware of that. This is just one of the signs you're her second choice.
4. Your meetings are almost always spontaneous.
If you look at your dates with an open mind, you will see that all your meetings happen quite unexpectedly. Your partner can call you at 9 pm and offer to meet in half an hour or hang out overnight. You start thinking whether you need this or not. However, you know that if you refuse, they can take offense, and you will feel guilty. Nonetheless, everything is very simple: your partner has nothing to do because someone else has canceled a meeting planned beforehand with them.
5. You stay in tune with the partner.
Your partner is selfish and constantly thinking about their own interests. They do not take your plans seriously and always convince you to satisfy their wishes. You give without any thought of reward, and your partner just takes advantage of that. If you understand that your relationship can be described in this way, then you might be their second choice. When a person invests little in the relationship, most likely, they have other options, or they are in the process of choosing the most suitable one.
6. You see the difference in their priorities.
When you call your partner during the day, they can reject the call, and they will not trouble themselves with sending a message. However, when you are together, and someone calls or writes them, they either immediately get out of the car, or go into another room and talk behind closed doors. Besides, they certainly never reject the call. It’s strange and unpleasant, isn’t it? You make certain over and over again that you are always second choice.
7. You are not specified as a partner.
One of the quotes about being second choice sounds like, “No one wants to be treated like an option.” However, unfortunately, it happens and in such a situation, you will hardly be specified as a partner. You may think that you are, but a perception of the person you are dating with can differ from your own one. You can be kept on the hook, and when you ask about your “official status,” they tell you that they are not ready yet or come up with other excuses. If you were the main option, the first thing your partner would want to do is to “label” you. Just trust your gut.
I'm not a second choice: how to avoid this role.
If you a romantic person who believes in pure love, then you perceive a partner as your one and only, and don’t even think about someone else. This situation can be treated differently.
• You can use your relationship to the fullest, getting maximum pleasure from what you have now and not thinking about tomorrow.
• You can try to hook a person and make them come back. This may resemble the service "all inclusive” with non-traditional services, such as foot massage, bright emotions, and just hundreds of compliments.
• You can accept the fact that anyone can find themselves to be the second option and treat this calmly. By and large, everything in the world happens as it should be. And if this is not your soulmate, leave them and forget forever.
If you ask yourself, “Why am I always the second choice?” then, most likely, you subconsciously agree to this role. Everything happens on a mental level, and if you have already noticed such tendency, you should visit a psychologist to sort things out and meet this challenge. You should never be someone's second choice. You are a smart and interesting person, so why do you agree to play this role?
If you have fallen in love with a man, being his second choice, do your best to make him decide whether he wants to be with you or not. You don't want to be somebody’s cure for temporary loneliness, do you? If you continue the relationship, realizing that you are just the second choice, you betray yourself and destroy the happy future with a decent person.
How to leave the relationship in which you are the second choice?
If you have realized that you have become the second choice for your partner who doesn’t want to change anything, then you should decide for yourself whether you are ready to accept and tolerate this position. If you understand that you cannot keep it that way because every day brings you a new portion of sufferings, then let yourself off the hook.
• Start living.
You should go on with your life. When you plunge into the relationship with a person you like, everything takes a back seat. You forget absolutely about all interests, hobbies and so on. You just want to stay a little longer with the object of your adoration or waste time waiting for their message and rare meeting. Do you want to get out of the vicious circle? Start doing your own stuff. Find a new hobby, go to the gym or start doing yoga to keep yourself busy and have a reason to refuse the next meeting when your so-called partner calls you next time.
• Expand your social circle.
The world is much wider than you can imagine, don’t limit yourself. If you go outside, you will meet many free people who, like you, are looking for relationships or at least new friends. Until you limit yourself to the relationship with a person who perceives you as a second choice, you miss a lot of opportunities. Start looking for new contacts. Even if it doesn't work out, your partner will understand that you will not always be there and that they may lose you one day. Your actions might make them take your relationship to a new level.
• Change yourself.
When you need to change your life dramatically, you can start with your image. Change your haircut, update the wardrobe, go in for sports. Let you look at yourself with completely different eyes. Changing your appearance, you change your mind, gaining confidence and setting new priorities.
• Wait for the right moment.
It is not the most pleasant but quite proven method. Everyone faces unpleasant events in life sooner or later. If you dream about taking your relationship to the next level and stop being a second choice for your beloved one, your task is to be with them at the right moment. It doesn’t matter what has happened: problems at work or something more serious. Your partner feels bad, and you should listen to them and provide maximum support. Usually, in times of crisis, people appreciate those who are next to them, and later, having overcome problems, look at such people with completely different eyes.
• Leave if nothing changes.
You should understand that nothing happens in a snap. It will take quite a lot of time. It is desirable to meet with the subject of your adoration as little as possible during this period. After all, the most important rule in any relationship is that you shouldn’t be always available. In addition, you should try to show new sides of your character and personality. However, if nothing helps, get a grip and leave. You shouldn’t agree to less than you deserve. If someone cannot finally decide to choose you, then choose yourself. There is no greater and better love than self-love in the first place. You do not need to adapt to another person when they want. You do not need to ask anyone to choose you because you are already number one for yourself and not a second choice.